Miss Understood

It has come to my attention that some people out there do not understand me or where I am coming from. Imagine that! It is hard for me sometimes because I live so much in my mind and I am constantly thinking about whatever strikes my fancy that it seems that only tidbits of that ever makes it out into the world, leaving people with a very fragmented view of how I see things. I have been told that I can come across as holier than thou (which I can see and understand...I deal with pride and self-righteousness just like everyone else). I also can come across as silly and goofy...which strikes a strong contrast to the holier than thou personality. I think it confuses people that one minute I can be talking hell and brimstone and in the next I can be singing Broadway show tunes or dancing in my kitchen. I am a real person. Just in case you didn't know. I have feelings, I cry..I laugh and make mistakes. I also happen to love God immensely and all at the same time, not immensely enough. This contradiction of personality leaves me fearful at times of even sharing my faith...because I know how bad I mess up and how could anyone look at me and find Jesus in there? Yet...I know he is...when I actually listen properly and then OBEY.
I just wanted to put this out there so you can read my posts with a brief understanding that I struggle too. I struggle to be a godly woman in an ungodly tent of flesh and bone that likes it's sin and yet hates it too. I get what Paul was saying when he said in Romans 7, "^14-16I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

^17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

^21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

²⁴I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

²⁵The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.."

Thank God for his grace in Christ. I still have a hard time with grace...there is a part of me that LOVES the law..and then I hate myself for not being able to fulfill it...but in the end...I rest in the faith that Jesus knows this and paid for all the times I will inevitably fall short of the goal...which I was already doing before my faith in him...just NOW I am aware and actually CARE that I am not meeting the goal. I am thankful that Christ met it for me and in his love, gives me the credit...how cool is that? I am so confused and frustrated at myself sometimes...I am such a contradiction...I am sure others see it as well. That is why I am Miss Understood...but at least there is one with whom I am fully known...and he loves me in spite of it all!